Human bonding - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Pair bonding
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Pair bonding
Main article: Pair bond
The term pair bond originated in 1940 in reference to mated pairs of birds. It is a generic term signifying a monogamous or relatively monogamous relationship in either humans or animals. The term is commonly used in sociobiology and evolutionary psychology.[3] Pair bonding, usually of a fairly short duration, occurs in a variety of primate species. Some scientists speculate that prolonged bonds developed in humans along with increased sharing of food.[4][edit] Limerent bond
Main article: Limerence
According to limerence theory, posited in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, a certain percentage of couples may go through what is called a limerent reaction, in which one or both of the pair may experience a state of passion mixed with continuous intrusive thinking, fear of rejection, and hope. Hence, with all human romantic relationships, one of three varieties of bonds may form, defined over a set duration of time, in relation to the experience or non-experience of limerence:- Affectional bond: define relationships in which neither partner is limerent.
- Limerent–Nonlimerent bond: define relationships in which one partner is limerent.
- Limerent–Limerent bond: define relationships in which both partners are limerent.
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Fifteen fun ways couples can spend quality time bonding.
The biggest mistake that couples make is to take their bond for granted by assuming that their connection will stay strong because they love ...
Sustainable Love - Tara Parker-Pope on Happy Marriages - NYTimes.com
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For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
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Bonding & Marriage Success
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Nature intends our initial, temporary falling-in-love bonding period to be replaced by a longer-term attachment between partners--with a totally different underlying brain chemistry (based on oxytocin and vasopressin). [Fisher, et al, 2002]
But, some of us find it easier to form and maintain these long-term bonds. According to researchers, different attachment styles rooted in early experiences with parents play an important role in bonding: Most of us have what the experts call a secure attachment style based on a comfortable balance of closeness and independence in their intimate relationships. They tend to be relatively self-confident, accepting and supportive in relationships.
Many people with colder and/or rejecting early attachment experiences continue to have some degree of difficulty with romantic bonding during adult life. They may be less comfortable with closeness and trust, find it difficult to depend on others or be depended upon. On average their relationships last about half as long as those with the more secure style.
Those whose early attachments were particularly unreliable tend to be preoccupied and obsessive in relationships, needy and vulnerable, and experience difficulty getting as close to others as they would like. They bond easily, but their relationships are the least durable.
All of these attachment styles are considered normal. But both of these less secure styles are prone to experiences of jealousy and loneliness. They also tend toward defensiveness and blame and have difficulty getting their needs met.
In addition to any bonding challenges posed by these attachment patterns from childhood, there are many realities of modern life that disrupt our longer-term attachments (even though they interfere less with the earlier phases of our relationships):
Every couple has 5 - 7 unresolvable differences, so there's a lot to disagree about once you start thinking about getting married. If you don't have good approaches to managing your differences, your disagreements will take a toll over time. Conflict can raise your level of negativity and undermine mutuality.
Then there are just the day-to-day pressures that tend to pull couples apart--jobs and careers, finances, kids, not enough time in your day. Lot's of couples don't understand that if you try to put your relationship 'on hold' while you give more attention to a new job or to children, it will be much more difficult than you imagine restoring the closeness between you.
The different approaches of the genders to many aspects of relationships, including communication and bonding, are another factor that can stress couples' feeling of closeness over time. The pursue--withdraw pattern, where one partner keeps after the other to resolve an important issue or for more closeness, while the other feels overloaded and keeps withdrawing or picking a fight to get away, is especially dangerous. This pattern is what's primarily behind the stereotypes of the 'nagging' wife and the husband who 'doesn't talk.'
The changes in sex that challenge couples over the long term, as partner novelty declines and differences in approach to sexuality get in the way, can also contribute to diminished bonding.
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You have to plan and strategize to keep your bond strong. And it's best to start early, just when you can't believe that you'll ever need it.
Here are some approaches that marriage success research has shown will help to keep your bond vital:
· Build positivity in your relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but limit it. Marriage research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance. Repair after your fights. Don't allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.
· Make time for your relationship--no matter what.
· Daily, non-stressful communication--continuing to keep up with each other's lives--is another bonding activity. And it's one that tends to go by the way when lives become busy. Remember how curious you were to learn the details of each other's lives when you were getting to know one another?
ReplyDelete· Approach life as a team. Don't become adversaries, even when you disagree. Your disagreements are something that both of you must take an active role in managing. Planning and dreaming together are bonding for both genders.
· Appreciate the male need to bond through shared activities. Make time for the intimate talking that women usually prefer for bonding--but make it easier for him by scheduling it at a good time, setting a time limit on these discussions, and limiting any negativity.
· Keep your sex life active. Schedule a regular date night, especially if things are slowing down. You'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite--just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating and active/passive roles by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond.
· Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.
Adopting these strategies builds a bonding immunization for couples. These approaches help couples to build up a reserve of attachment that will help maintain their relationship through the inevitable stresses and challenges of contemporary married life and prevent disruption of their connection. Couples who are already experiencing tension or disengagement can revitalize their link by embracing these approaches.
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Florida now encourages couples to attend marriage prep by giving those who do a reduction in their marriage license fee.
Five-to-One Ratio
ReplyDeleteResearch has revealed that relationships begin to head downhill when the ratio of positive to negative interactions falls below five to one.
There need to be five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Otherwise, the relationship enters a downward spiral where resentment and anger begin to outweigh other sentiments. Researchers call this 'negative sentiment override' where even neutral interactions with your partner will be interpreted negatively.
So be sure to include plenty of hugs, kisses and appreciation along with the occasional concern or criticism.
Click here for related reading and references list.
Help yourselves stay well above the five-to-one ratio throughout your marriage. Consider attending a Marriage Success Training seminar with your partner. Click here to learn about the benefits of MST.
http://www.stayhitched.com/ratio.htm
Spiritual Bond - Introduction
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couples that pray together stay together. Couples who have different religious backgrounds may face a greater challenge in developing this joint religious or spiritual life together. Therefore, this unit focuses on ways in which interchurch couples have been able to build and strengthen their religious or spiritual bond.