Why She Criticizes You
http://www.askmen.com/feeder/askmenRSS_article_print_2006.php?ID=1037154
You're right: her criticisms have nothing to do with you. It's all in her biology (and socialization).
By Farah Averill,
Page 1: Why She Criticizes You
Why She Criticizes You
A near universal experience for men is being criticized or nagged by their girlfriends or wives. Feeling like no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make your partner’s irksome behavior stop is another commonality uniting men the world over. Interestingly, it’s not happenstance that men find themselves in the position of being criticized more than the other way around. Differing biology and socialization both play a role in explaining why men tend to be the ones who get criticized in a relationship. If you can identify with being the target of a woman’s wrath, then this article is for you. Read on to learn exactly what it is that makes your girlfriend explode and how you can successfully encourage her to ease off.
Women express themselves differently
While the extent to which biology and socialization respectively influence how men and women express themselves has yet to be determined, research has demonstrated that women tend to produce more emotion-oriented messages than men. One study, for example, found that, when asked to write a story about love, men’s narratives were 50% shorter than women’s (Barbara, 2008). As well, evidence suggests that men are more likely to favor a problem-focused approach in response to a stressful situation, whereas women will focus on emotional support.
In your relationship, these differing styles of expression explain why, when you take out the trash as a symbolic gesture of your feelings for your partner, she won’t necessarily understand the loving intentions behind this act. Also, when your significant other is telling you about her stressful day, though your inclination is to help her find a solution to her difficulty, she’s actually seeking supportive words rather than concrete help. These gender differences mean that you may find that your partner frequently accuses you of being insufficiently loving because she’s expecting you to be more emotionally attuned and expressive.
To set her straight in terms of how you feel about her, try expressing positive feelings toward your partner more often, but don’t forget to let her know that when you do something for her, like change the tires on her car, it’s another way of saying you care.
It takes men longer to cool off
When you’re in the midst of a disagreement with your partner and you’re starting to feel angry, chances are you might end up shutting down and withdrawing emotionally. That’s because when humans are overwhelmed by negative emotions, their bodies give them two options: fight (criticize) or flight (withdraw). The reason men tend to go into withdrawal mode is that their cardiovascular systems are much more reactive to stress compared to women’s, making the experience of strong negative emotions extremely uncomfortable.
In order to avoid that sensation, men shut down. Unfortunately, rather than making the problem go away, when you tune out in response to your partner’s criticism, she feels like she’s not being heard, which makes her criticize you even more and you then shut down further -- in short, a vicious cycle ensues that can have a major impact on the quality of your relationship. In fact, in one study, physiological measures, such as heart rate and blood pressure, explained 60% of the variation in how satisfied couples felt in their relationships (Levenson & Gottman, 1983). To break free of this negative cycle, the next time you’re having an argument with your other half and things are getting too heated for you, say something like: “I feel too angry right now to continue this conversation and I need to take a 40-minute break.” Being specific about your feelings and your need for a (long) time-out lets her know where you stand and she’ll likely be receptive to your statement because she won’t feel ignored.
Read on for more tips on why she criticizes you...
Page 2: She Criticizes You
Women crave social engagement
Some theorists speculate that the female brain is more primed for social connection than its male counterpart. For example, according to Dr. Luan Brizendine, author of The Female Mind, even from infancy, baby girls will spend more time gazing into the eyes of others than baby boys. Later, in childhood, girls tend to play games that involve relationships rather than action-packed adventure scenarios. Fast-forward to adulthood and Brizendine notes that women talk three times as much as men, uttering an average of 20,000 words a day compared to 7,000 in men. Because females may crave sharing and engaging more than men and it may be more linked to their self-esteem, when they can’t satisfy this hunger, more desperate actions may be taken in a bid to get your attention, including criticizing.
In effect, criticizing can be your girlfriend’s way of saying, “Listen to me, I matter!” To get around this problem so that you have enough alone time and your mate feels valued, set aside some time each day, even if it’s only 20 minutes, to chat with her. During this period, give her your full, undivided attention and try to not take over the conversation. Also, make it clear that you need time to unwind alone. For example, you could say: “I’d really like to talk to you, but my day was stressful and I need to chill out first.”
Men hoard power
In a romantic relationship, men typically have greater difficulty sharing power than women do. While the jury is still out on whether the reasons behind this finding are biological, social or both, according to relationship scientist John Gottman, one thing is clear: If you’re not willing to share power with your partner, there is an 81% chance your relationship won’t last. What’s more, when your relationship suffers from a serious power imbalance, you’re more likely to be on the receiving end of a lot of criticism from your partner, simply because feeling like her opinion doesn’t matter translates into anger. Curb her criticizing by taking small steps to share some of the power in your relationship. Start by giving in to one of her requests in an area that’s not particularly important to you. Or, talk over a major decision together, doing your best to take her input into account before acting.
make it work
While men and women don’t live on separate planets, there are undeniable gender differences that crop up in a relationship that can even lead to its demise if they’re not adequately addressed. Understanding these dissimilarities and learning how to use them to your advantage, however, can help you turn a critical situation around. So, implement the new tools you’ve learned about here and expect a lot more peace and quiet around your home.
More:
http://www.askmen.com/entertainment/keywords/gender-differences.html
**********
One Guy's Guide to Guys for Brides: All About (Most) Fiancés & Husbands
http://www.stayhitched.com/guys.htm
...when it comes to weddings, the genders are usually worlds apart. Sure the wedding will be a special time for both of you. You can agree on that. But guys, unlike women, generally haven't spent a lifetime dreaming about the specifics (or even the generalities) of their wedding. Very likely, he never gave it that much thought before the wedding planning started. Hey, a wedding is a wedding, right?
This isn't his fault. The culture has different expectations for guys. You may have known the color of the bridesmaids' dresses since you were six, but he can still tell you the batting average of every player on the hometown team that won the World Series when he was a kid.
So if he doesn't seem quite as fascinated by decisions about the flowers and the invitations as you might wish, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about the wedding or marrying you. He may have some ideas and preferences about the wedding, but sometimes guys hold back because they think or know that you have strong preconceived notions of how you want the wedding to be. Or, because they haven't been fantasizing about their wedding forever, it may take them some catch-up time to figure out what they really want from their wedding. Meanwhile, if you're, understandably, racing ahead under the wedding schedule deadlines, he may end up feeling that his input isn't needed.
Speaking of wedding planning, this brings up another gender difference that makes a difference. Planning is full of decision-making that can involve sensitive issues. (You just have to know that with money, relatives, religion and friends all involved, it's never going to be all that uncomplicated.) Guys have a real different way of responding to touchy issues. (Maybe you've noticed?)
Ever wonder exactly why he seems to disappear emotionally sometimes when the going gets rough? While women tend predominantly toward a style of engagement when it comes to handling sensitive issues, and are more tolerant of confrontation and conflict, this is not how most guys deal with these situations. Men tend predominantly toward a style of withdrawal and conflict avoidance. Research shows that the basis for these differences may be physiological differences in tolerance for and response to stress: Men become more easily and more quickly overloaded by feelings of distress. This also helps to explain why although some guys can dish it (criticism, anger, etc.) out, they can't necessarily take it.
Understanding these gender differences can help explain why he may grow silent just at the moment that you want and need a feeling response from him. He's not ignoring you and your feelings or emotionally unavailable. He's just temporarily unavailable while he struggles with the confusion that accompanies emotional flooding. We suggest taking a short break. Don't put your important concerns aside indefinitely, but just long enough to let him recover his composure. About twenty minutes is usually enough--if he can really relax during the break. It also helps to be sure to bring up sensitive issues gently, so you don't send him into emotional outer orbit (beyond Neptune) right at the beginning of a difficult discussion. Men generally handle communication better when there are some rules to make it more managable. For example, it may help to make an appointment for a mutually agreeable time to discuss an issue.
A final thought: Don't read his mind. Contrary to popular belief, women are not born with telepathic abilities. They just seem to have an almost genetic predisposition to try to read male minds. Actually, it's social conditioning that makes women especially sensitive to trying to read their emotional environment. When he's quiet, it's not an invitation to guess what's on his mind. Wait until he figures it out for himself and can explain it to you. When you assume that you know what he's thinking, it just puts more pressure on him and adds to the confusion.
And don't expect him to read yours either. He can't. If you really want that special birthday gift that you have set your heart on, you'd better say something about it. Many guys just aren't attuned to those little hints that women are so skilled at detecting. Things that seem obvious to women usually aren't to men.
So, there you have it: Our brief guide to fiancés and husbands. The best guide, though, is your partner. Talk with him about gender styles and agree on some strategies to compensate for and benefit from them.
http://www.askmen.com/feeder/askmenRSS_article_print_2006.php?ID=1037154
You're right: her criticisms have nothing to do with you. It's all in her biology (and socialization).
By Farah Averill,
Page 1: Why She Criticizes You
Why She Criticizes You
A near universal experience for men is being criticized or nagged by their girlfriends or wives. Feeling like no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make your partner’s irksome behavior stop is another commonality uniting men the world over. Interestingly, it’s not happenstance that men find themselves in the position of being criticized more than the other way around. Differing biology and socialization both play a role in explaining why men tend to be the ones who get criticized in a relationship. If you can identify with being the target of a woman’s wrath, then this article is for you. Read on to learn exactly what it is that makes your girlfriend explode and how you can successfully encourage her to ease off.
Women express themselves differently
While the extent to which biology and socialization respectively influence how men and women express themselves has yet to be determined, research has demonstrated that women tend to produce more emotion-oriented messages than men. One study, for example, found that, when asked to write a story about love, men’s narratives were 50% shorter than women’s (Barbara, 2008). As well, evidence suggests that men are more likely to favor a problem-focused approach in response to a stressful situation, whereas women will focus on emotional support.
In your relationship, these differing styles of expression explain why, when you take out the trash as a symbolic gesture of your feelings for your partner, she won’t necessarily understand the loving intentions behind this act. Also, when your significant other is telling you about her stressful day, though your inclination is to help her find a solution to her difficulty, she’s actually seeking supportive words rather than concrete help. These gender differences mean that you may find that your partner frequently accuses you of being insufficiently loving because she’s expecting you to be more emotionally attuned and expressive.
To set her straight in terms of how you feel about her, try expressing positive feelings toward your partner more often, but don’t forget to let her know that when you do something for her, like change the tires on her car, it’s another way of saying you care.
It takes men longer to cool off
When you’re in the midst of a disagreement with your partner and you’re starting to feel angry, chances are you might end up shutting down and withdrawing emotionally. That’s because when humans are overwhelmed by negative emotions, their bodies give them two options: fight (criticize) or flight (withdraw). The reason men tend to go into withdrawal mode is that their cardiovascular systems are much more reactive to stress compared to women’s, making the experience of strong negative emotions extremely uncomfortable.
In order to avoid that sensation, men shut down. Unfortunately, rather than making the problem go away, when you tune out in response to your partner’s criticism, she feels like she’s not being heard, which makes her criticize you even more and you then shut down further -- in short, a vicious cycle ensues that can have a major impact on the quality of your relationship. In fact, in one study, physiological measures, such as heart rate and blood pressure, explained 60% of the variation in how satisfied couples felt in their relationships (Levenson & Gottman, 1983). To break free of this negative cycle, the next time you’re having an argument with your other half and things are getting too heated for you, say something like: “I feel too angry right now to continue this conversation and I need to take a 40-minute break.” Being specific about your feelings and your need for a (long) time-out lets her know where you stand and she’ll likely be receptive to your statement because she won’t feel ignored.
Read on for more tips on why she criticizes you...
Page 2: She Criticizes You
Women crave social engagement
Some theorists speculate that the female brain is more primed for social connection than its male counterpart. For example, according to Dr. Luan Brizendine, author of The Female Mind, even from infancy, baby girls will spend more time gazing into the eyes of others than baby boys. Later, in childhood, girls tend to play games that involve relationships rather than action-packed adventure scenarios. Fast-forward to adulthood and Brizendine notes that women talk three times as much as men, uttering an average of 20,000 words a day compared to 7,000 in men. Because females may crave sharing and engaging more than men and it may be more linked to their self-esteem, when they can’t satisfy this hunger, more desperate actions may be taken in a bid to get your attention, including criticizing.
In effect, criticizing can be your girlfriend’s way of saying, “Listen to me, I matter!” To get around this problem so that you have enough alone time and your mate feels valued, set aside some time each day, even if it’s only 20 minutes, to chat with her. During this period, give her your full, undivided attention and try to not take over the conversation. Also, make it clear that you need time to unwind alone. For example, you could say: “I’d really like to talk to you, but my day was stressful and I need to chill out first.”
Men hoard power
In a romantic relationship, men typically have greater difficulty sharing power than women do. While the jury is still out on whether the reasons behind this finding are biological, social or both, according to relationship scientist John Gottman, one thing is clear: If you’re not willing to share power with your partner, there is an 81% chance your relationship won’t last. What’s more, when your relationship suffers from a serious power imbalance, you’re more likely to be on the receiving end of a lot of criticism from your partner, simply because feeling like her opinion doesn’t matter translates into anger. Curb her criticizing by taking small steps to share some of the power in your relationship. Start by giving in to one of her requests in an area that’s not particularly important to you. Or, talk over a major decision together, doing your best to take her input into account before acting.
make it work
While men and women don’t live on separate planets, there are undeniable gender differences that crop up in a relationship that can even lead to its demise if they’re not adequately addressed. Understanding these dissimilarities and learning how to use them to your advantage, however, can help you turn a critical situation around. So, implement the new tools you’ve learned about here and expect a lot more peace and quiet around your home.
More:
http://www.askmen.com/entertainment/keywords/gender-differences.html
**********
One Guy's Guide to Guys for Brides: All About (Most) Fiancés & Husbands
http://www.stayhitched.com/guys.htm
...when it comes to weddings, the genders are usually worlds apart. Sure the wedding will be a special time for both of you. You can agree on that. But guys, unlike women, generally haven't spent a lifetime dreaming about the specifics (or even the generalities) of their wedding. Very likely, he never gave it that much thought before the wedding planning started. Hey, a wedding is a wedding, right?
This isn't his fault. The culture has different expectations for guys. You may have known the color of the bridesmaids' dresses since you were six, but he can still tell you the batting average of every player on the hometown team that won the World Series when he was a kid.
So if he doesn't seem quite as fascinated by decisions about the flowers and the invitations as you might wish, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about the wedding or marrying you. He may have some ideas and preferences about the wedding, but sometimes guys hold back because they think or know that you have strong preconceived notions of how you want the wedding to be. Or, because they haven't been fantasizing about their wedding forever, it may take them some catch-up time to figure out what they really want from their wedding. Meanwhile, if you're, understandably, racing ahead under the wedding schedule deadlines, he may end up feeling that his input isn't needed.
Speaking of wedding planning, this brings up another gender difference that makes a difference. Planning is full of decision-making that can involve sensitive issues. (You just have to know that with money, relatives, religion and friends all involved, it's never going to be all that uncomplicated.) Guys have a real different way of responding to touchy issues. (Maybe you've noticed?)
Ever wonder exactly why he seems to disappear emotionally sometimes when the going gets rough? While women tend predominantly toward a style of engagement when it comes to handling sensitive issues, and are more tolerant of confrontation and conflict, this is not how most guys deal with these situations. Men tend predominantly toward a style of withdrawal and conflict avoidance. Research shows that the basis for these differences may be physiological differences in tolerance for and response to stress: Men become more easily and more quickly overloaded by feelings of distress. This also helps to explain why although some guys can dish it (criticism, anger, etc.) out, they can't necessarily take it.
Understanding these gender differences can help explain why he may grow silent just at the moment that you want and need a feeling response from him. He's not ignoring you and your feelings or emotionally unavailable. He's just temporarily unavailable while he struggles with the confusion that accompanies emotional flooding. We suggest taking a short break. Don't put your important concerns aside indefinitely, but just long enough to let him recover his composure. About twenty minutes is usually enough--if he can really relax during the break. It also helps to be sure to bring up sensitive issues gently, so you don't send him into emotional outer orbit (beyond Neptune) right at the beginning of a difficult discussion. Men generally handle communication better when there are some rules to make it more managable. For example, it may help to make an appointment for a mutually agreeable time to discuss an issue.
A final thought: Don't read his mind. Contrary to popular belief, women are not born with telepathic abilities. They just seem to have an almost genetic predisposition to try to read male minds. Actually, it's social conditioning that makes women especially sensitive to trying to read their emotional environment. When he's quiet, it's not an invitation to guess what's on his mind. Wait until he figures it out for himself and can explain it to you. When you assume that you know what he's thinking, it just puts more pressure on him and adds to the confusion.
And don't expect him to read yours either. He can't. If you really want that special birthday gift that you have set your heart on, you'd better say something about it. Many guys just aren't attuned to those little hints that women are so skilled at detecting. Things that seem obvious to women usually aren't to men.
So, there you have it: Our brief guide to fiancés and husbands. The best guide, though, is your partner. Talk with him about gender styles and agree on some strategies to compensate for and benefit from them.
Mad About the Gender Gap Blame Nature BNET
ReplyDeletehttp://www.bnet.com/blog/penelope-trunk/mad-about-the-gender-gap-blame-nature/404?tag=mantle_skin;content
...women make up only about 10% of full professorships in physics-related disciplines.”
The question is, does this gender gap matter? Does it warrant policy change? Affirmative action? Encouraging girls in math? The answer to all these questions is a resounding no. Most gender gaps have closed in the US workplace. The remaining gaps are natural and fine for a respectful, equal-opportunity workplace.
For example, women are not great at math. We women can get by-in a world of mediocre performances. But in the world of hotshot math, women are outclassed. We should stop worrying about how to make things more equal and instead understand our gender differences.
Yet a study from psychologists Stephen Ceci and Wendy Williams of Cornell University found no evidence of gender bias during the interview and hiring process for science positions. What they found was there were simply fewer highly qualified women.
Live Science reports that women are uncomfortable in a male-dominated setting, and argues that maybe this is a reason there are few women infiltrating the hard sciences. However, that women have a hard time getting into an all-male department does not explain the change in English departments across college campuses. Those were once as male-dominated as the math departments, but women somehow overcame their anxiety of being in male-dominated situations and managed to infiltrate the Chaucer discussion.
It’s clear that men and women have different brains. For example, men always want to have more sex than women. You can find women who love sex, men who hate it, etc, but in terms of large populations, the male brain is much more wired to have indiscriminate sex.
One fundamental difference between the two brains is gray matter. And University of California at Irvine released solid data to explain why men are good at math.
“Evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior,” wrote Richard Haier, professor of psychology in the Department of Pediatrics and longtime human intelligence researcher, who led the study.
“In general, men have approximately 6.5 times the amount of gray matter related to general intelligence than women, and women have nearly 10 times the amount of white matter related to intelligence than men. Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the networking of—or connections between—these processing centers.”
Gene Expression published a chart that shows the difference in brain makeup. This site also does a good job explaining why we should not suppress the discussion of male dominance in math. Just because we are uncomfortable with it doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now that we have a few decades of data coming from girls who were encouraged to do math, we can say, with a decent amount of certainty, that the average performing girl is as good at math as the average performing boy.
The patterns Asperger Syndrome makes in populations also sheds light on extreme intelligence in men vs. women. At this point, we have enough data about Asperger’s syndrome to can say that the people who are incredibly terrible with language (white matter) or incredibly gifted with mathematical thinking (gray matter) are generally boys. Boys, rather than girls, populate the two extreme ends of the bell curve. In the middle, that is people who are decent at math, science and engineering, are equally boys and girls.
...
ReplyDeleteAnd anyway, maybe the real answer to why women don’t go into higher math is that the problems men solve using higher math do not interest women. For example, here’s a mathematician who has provided a proof that shows it’s mathematically impossible for men to have more sexual partners than women. Seriously.
Comm.:
...
RE: RE: RE: Why Gender Discrimination is OK
@Paul Sloan, You changed the title, but the damaging nature of this article is still there. Perpetuating the idea that women are not good at math is a de-service to women and society at large. It seems like this was an article sponsored by Walmart. I know this is a pro-business site, but please don't sell yourself (Penelope I mean) to the devil in such a blatant way. avilamed03/31/2011 06:17 PM.Flag
..RE: RE: Mad About the Gender Gap? Blame Nature
@jackie.brown42 Perhaps you are making your gross generalization based on your network of friends. You can click on the hyperlinks to read the studies - if you are interested in learning about, and understanding the world around you. Spanky12303/31/2011 03:45 PM
http://www.bnet.com/blog/penelope-trunk/want-to-get-ahead-stay-away-from-women/393?tag=blog-moreFromLeft
ReplyDelete... there is not a salary gap between women and men. There is a competition gap between women and men. Women choose collaborative, feel-good jobs, like writing in the how-can-we-all-get-along-better section of BNET and men choose the competitive, dog-eat-dog jobs like managing all the feel-good writers on BNET. That link is to Paul Sloan. My editor.
Will he even let me run this piece? I don’t know. You know what? I can’t stop writing about him. I have a little crush on him even though he won’t answer his phone when I call and he always returns my calls at 6pm central when he knows I won’t pick up the phone because I’m having dinner with my family.
Women: It is very bad to write stuff about dinner with family if you are trying to get ahead. Do not do this. People assume that if you have kids you will do less work. This may or may not be true - I mean, doing less work. But what is true is that you should not talk about family at work if you want to be in the all-boys departments.
However it is okay to talk about crushes at work because it is more of a single person thing to do. I mean, everyone has crushes, but only single people talk about it. So I think it makes me have a better chance of getting out of the girl ghetto at BNET if I tell you that Paul is a little shorter than I am, and not as good-looking as I am, but still, he is fun and cute.
Gender Studies: Why Chicks Dig VW Beetles While Guys Like BMWs and Pickups
ReplyDeleteBlog posts | April 8, 2011 5:17pm PDT
A new survey confirms expectations about what men and women choose to drive. But is also proves that men make dumber choices.
.
http://www.bnet.com/topics/men?tag=content;related-tags-more
ReplyDelete...
Merck Warned Europe That Propecia Causes Sexual Problems -- but Not the U.S.
Blog posts | March 22, 2011 4:47am PDT
Merck has some explaining to do about why its warnings of the risk permanent sexual dysfunction with the hair loss drug Propecia are different depending where you live.
..More Men Are Having Plastic Surgery to Save their Jobs
Blog posts | March 21, 2011 5:19am PDT
Are men tightening their faces, due to the tighter job market? That's what new statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons finds.
...
Get Dressed Like a Man
Blog posts | March 17, 2011 6:27am PDT
Men work more hours than women. They also spend less time on personal care. And get paid more. Coincidence? Maybe not.
...
Women's Choices, Not Discrimination, to Blame for Mediocre Progress
Blog posts | February 8, 2011 12:05pm PST
A new Cornell study examines why there are so few women in top positions in the sciences and finds lifestyle choices--not discrimination--to blame.
..Why Merck's Hair Loss Drug Could Make Its Income Statement Go, Um, Limp
Blog posts | January 13, 2011 2:11pm PST
The warning label on Propecia says only 2 percent of men experience erectile dysfunction on the drug, but recent studies say it's much more than that and may be permanent.
..Men Waste Brain Power Trying to Be Manly, Study Says
Blog posts | November 2, 2010 5:25am PDT
New research finds it's not just women who are impacted by gender anxiety at work. Guys waste brain power trying to conform to stereotypes too.
..Sex, Lies and Stupidity: Great Men Who Self-Destructed
Image galleries | October 27, 2010 10:21am PDT
At the peak of their power, some men throw it all away with sexual escapades that damage their careers. Here are eight classic tales of power gone awry.
..Australia: Fatter and Lazier
Blog posts | October 24, 2010 9:54pm PDT
Australians are exercising less, resulting in lower productivity and higher absenteeism. The problem might be worse still in America.
The Gender Pay Gap is a Complete Myth
Blog posts | March 8, 2011 6:15am PST
A new report reinforces the widely accepted myth of a gender pay gap. But the truth is this: when women make the same career choices as men, the pay's the same.