http://www.google.ro/search?q=long+term+love&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
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3 Types Of Sex For Long-Term Love | YourTango
Sex releases the hormones that make us feel good (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women). Now, we all know that sex is almost always on a man's mind and he generally is "in the mood" anytime, anywhere, any way. But for a woman to build her desire and fully enjoy the sexual experience, she first needs to feel special and cherished by her partner. She yearns to be wanted and responds best when a man pursues her with devout intensity (regardless of the relationship stage or length).
This is based on the fact that
In the beginning of our relationships, it's so easy to connect on a romantic and sexual level as the hormones flow freely and plentiful. Think back to those magical days (and nights!) of great sex…
MEN: Did you call her randomly and often, bring her flowers "just because," show interest and respect for her ideas, have long conversations where you actively listened to her talk? Did you ask her lots of questions to find out what she liked and then plan fun date nights based on your common interests? Did you send her sexy emails or texts extolling the virtues of her breasts, her perfect bottom, the seductive effect of her perfume? Did you look deeply into her eyes, lightly touch her face and hair, pull her close to kiss her slowly and deliciously while your hands gently and firmly explored every inch of her lovely body? Did you take bubble baths together? Did you cook your famous spaghetti (in just an apron), and serve it to her with real silverware, candlelight and Chris Botti playing softly in the background? How To Be Romantic
WOMEN: Did you perfectly maintain your nails, hair, makeup and maybe even wax? Did you choose scents and outfits designed to turn him on, including silky, slinky underthings and lingerie? Did you share your hopes, goals and fantasies with him, admire his expertise and trust his judgment? Did you daydream about his lips on your nipples, and imagine what it would be like to wake up next to him every morning and the beautiful children you might make together? Did your eyes sparkle and your stomach flutter whenever he walked into the room? Were you thrilled by his efforts to please you and did you smile, flirt and thank him for every little thing to show him how happy you were?
As couples settle in together and the hectic daily schedules take precedence, our priorities slowly shift. We don't indulge in as much quality time together or strive to meet each other's needs, yet this is the precursor to great sex. What happens, instead, is that men tend to forget their feelings and women tend to forget their sexual desire. However, when mates prioritize time to remember their love and return the focus to romance and sex, a relationship can begin to improve immediately.
Sometimes when tension is brewing in a relationship, one partner will want to stop having sex. But, actually, the best thing a couple can do is focus on creating better sex, because when the sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship can improve.
Just as our palettes crave a variety of meals to keep our bodies functioning well, we also need to incorporate variety into our intimate relationships. Here are some ways to keep the passion burning:
Healthy Home-Cooked Sex—This style is the basis for a regular, healthy sex life, and usually occurs a couple times a week. It generally takes about 30 minutes and the Martian ensures that his Venusian has the time she needs to relax, build up her desire and experience orgasm(s). 10 Surprising Orgasm Facts
Fast Food Sex and Cuddles—Although junk food would not be good for us as a regular diet, it can be tasty and sometimes it fits well into the schedule. The same is true for quickies. This 3-5 minutes given whenever he feels the need for sexual release and she's not in the mood, is a great gift that a woman can bestow on her partner and will go a long way to ensuring he continues to feel his love for her.
Set some ground rules first, like not expecting her to participate much during quickies, having healthy home-cooked sex on a regular basis as often as she likes, plus gourmet sex once a month. Also, he will want to reciprocate for quickies by giving her the cuddling she needs regularly to feel loved. This technique can work very well so that never again will he feel rejected, and she will always be able to count on him for affection.
Gourmet Sex—Indulge in this style of sex at least once a month. A woman needs to be wined, dined and romanced, just like in the early days (and nights) of the relationship. No excuses—put it on the schedule! Remember the old adage "If mama ain't happy, then nobody’s happy!" Of course, a romantic getaway is wonderful, but if money is tight, then send the kids to Grandma's or trade babysitting evenings with the neighbors.
The key to passionate monogamy is remembering and acting like we did in the beginning of the relationship. When the man takes action to be romantic and the woman responds with appreciation, our bodies release the hormones that drive our sexual feelings.
To really make this advice work, you need to follow these action steps to complete today's challenge.
Right now, I want you to:
If you are a woman reading this, ask him to plan a date. You can even send him the link to this article. After all, men love a challenge! If you are a man reading this, plan a date. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. Make her feel special as you would have in the beginning of your relationship. Go to that restaurant from your first date, plan a picnic on a scenic walk or take her to a concert.
Within 7 days I want you to:
Write a steamy, love note to your partner. Describe your sexual feelings when you are aroused. Place yourself in a romantic setting with your partner and describe what you want to do. This helps build anticipation. Save your letter for your date night.
By the end of the challenge I want you to:
Go on that special date. Men, tell her how beautiful she looks, how important she is to you and how you have plans for her at home. Women, tell him how much you appreciate him, how he makes you so happy and how excited you are to go home with him. At the end of your date, read your love letters to each other. The romantic gestures plus the steamy letters guarantee those physical feelings will build to lead you both back to the ecstasy of great sex.
Article contributed by
Dr. John GrayView profile
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Dr. John Gray
Dating Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator, Psychologist, Relationship Coach, Sex Coach, OrganizationJohn is the leading relationship expert in the world and most selling relationship author of all time.
Location: Mill Valley
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Dr. John Gray:
Man Speak Vs. Woman Speak: 10 Common Misunderstandings
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Many arguments between couples stem from simple misunderstandings based on different communication styles. For example, women often want to vent, and a man will often misinterpret this by thinking he's meant to find a solution. Likewise, women sometimes misinterpret what it means when a man says nothing at all. Often, men need to work through a problem in ... Read more
Mars Venus Q&A: Brother's Keeper
By Dr. John Gray
Dear John, My brother, who is 28, is dating a woman that some in our family do not like, particularly our mother. He plans on marrying her. Our mother is having the hardest time with this. He regards our mama's opinion, and she is not going to budge. I feel strongly that it is our duty, as a family, to support his happiness and to be open minded. We all love ... Read more
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men and women experience attraction differently: men feel physical attraction first, then the emotional and mental connection follow; women need to feel connected mentally and emotionally before they are ready for a physical encounter. This is why "Romance is from Venus and Sex is from Mars."==
Secret of long-term love
July 1 2003
...
Both sexes are more likely to be drawn to individuals who not only look like them, but have equivalent wealth and status and share the same attitudes towards family commitment and fidelity.
Marriages between such similar people stand the best chance of success, say researchers at Cornell University in New York.
Too many differences between partners caused instability. If one partner was much better looking or had higher social status than the other, he or she could be tempted to "trade up" and find a better quality mate.
Relationships between matching couples were less in danger of breaking apart, thus providing a stable environment for bringing up offspring, said the scientists.
...
The attributes were grouped into four "evolutionarily relevant" categories - wealth and status, family commitment, physical appearance, and sexual fidelity.
Both men and women who rated themselves highly were significantly more selective when it came to choosing a mate.
For both sexes, individuals who rated certain attributes as important in a partner also rated the same attributes highly in themselves.
This was at odds with the alternative "potentials attract" hypothesis based on the need to produce healthy offspring and give them the best care.
Under the rules of "potentials attract" women seek family-minded men with high wealth and status, while men look for signs of youthfulness, health and physical attractiveness in a partner.
According to the theory, women who see themselves as very physically attractive are likely to prefer the most socially dominant men. Conversely, men who are highly confidant about their social and economic status are likely to seek the most attractive women.
But the new research indicates that in reality, finding a matching partner is more important for both sexes.
...The scientists said the findings may help explain why "homogamous" marriages between partners sharing similar attributes were more common and successful than marriages between non-matching individuals.
They added: "From the public's perspective, our results suggest that individuals seeking stable long-term relationships should not seek the highest quality partner available, but should simply look for partners who are similar to themselves."
==
Is she the one
Who wants to spend date after date forging a relationship only to realize later that she a) expects her mother to move in with you; b) wants to call your future children Apple, Seven, and Wolf; or c) listens only to Romanian rock? So, to help you determine whether she's really the girl you want to bring home to Mama, ask her the following questions, score the results, and get our expert take on your love life.
[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]
"What's the longest relationship you've had?"
Her answer:
a She's had at least one long-termer and a sprinkling of short dead-end relationships.
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b She's had serious long-term boyfriend after serious long-term boyfriend.
c The last real relationship she had was during the Clinton administration--and it lasted a weekend.
What it tells you: "Asking about past patterns of behavior will give you a pretty good guide to the way people are likely to behave in the future," says Keith Ablow, M.D., author of Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty. Finding out that none of her prior relationships lasted more than a couple of months will tell you whether she is someone who "fears longer commitments, or if she expects too much and can't cope with being disappointed so she bails at the first sign of trouble." If so, check your calendar: Your days may be numbered.
"What's your take on religion?"
Her answer:
a You believe in Jesus, she believes in Jesus. Hallelujah!
b Although you may pray to different deities, your basic values are the same.
c The two of you are on such different spiritual planes, it's best not to discuss at all.
What it tells you: Trust us, you want to know whether Sunday mornings are going to be spent in a church, synagogue, or mosque-or nursing a hangover. Equally important: Does she party or is she saving herself for marriage? Whatever her faith, she's expecting you to join her eventually--so make sure the Buddha/Vishnu/Mother Earth/Jesus/Virgin Mary/Allah she prays to sounds good to you. "A person's religious beliefs strongly influence how she will relate to you," warns Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., author of What Men Still Don't Know About Women, Relationships, and Love. "It's important when it comes to religion to be with someone you are really compatible with."
"Are you a cat or a dog person?"
Her answer:
a You hate cats, love dogs (or vice versa), and she's right there with you.
b She could go either way. She wouldn't call herself a dog person but could see having one.
c She can tolerate a hermit crab or sea monkeys but professes to be allergic to all pets and assumes you'll give yours away once you two get serious.
What it tells you: Is she a more-the-merrier kind of gal, or is she as threatened by Fido as she is by your single drinking buddies? Maybe you are the one who goes into anaphylactic shock every time a tabby cat crosses your path, and she wants nothing less than a litter of adorable kittens. Talk about pets--all of them--or she may wrongfully assume that the enormous aquarium you worked so hard on for your pet snake, Bartholomew, will stay in the garage.
"Do you consider yourself high- or low-maintenance?"
Her answer:
a She is the definition of low maintenance-never sweats you or uses guilt as a weapon with anyone around her.
b She needs to be reassured of your love once a month (or every 28 days) and hugged after tearjerker movies, but it's tolerable.
c She can't do anything by herself and pouts and whines when you can't pick her up and drive her to her appointments.
What it tells you: You'll find out if she's a girl who can chill with a beer and a Seinfeld re-run or one who shrieks and rushes to the salon every time she chips a nail. Follow the question up with "And how would your friends describe you?" While the first answer will fill you in on how she perceives herself, the second will give you the valuable information about her character. Even better, get phone numbers for a couple of her close friends and ask them yourself. If she's unwilling to give up the digits, you may have your answer right there.
"What do you like to do in your free time?"
Her answer:
a She loves traveling and going out dancing, and she's learning to paint-but she likes to try new things as well.
b She's a hardcore member of the dog show circuit and reads 20 books a month.
c It depends on what you like to do. Her weekends are free for the next year.
What it tells you: What she does in her downtime speaks volumes about her personality. Does she spend weekends going to antique-dollhouse conventions or is she up for rock-climbing with you? "What's important is how she describes herself and what she likes to do when she's by herself," says Goldberg. "The best way to get to know her is to find out what kind of activities she's involved with on her own." Whatever her hobby--monster trucks or Japanese pottery--she's going to expect you to be interested (or at least tag along).
ADD UP YOUR SCORE
a = 5 points, b = 3 points, c = 1 point If you score:
19-25 This is a once-in-a-lifetime girl. Give her up and you may end up hating yourself forever.
10-18 She's got potential. There's some compromising to do, but nothing that can't be worked out.
0-10 Unless she has spectacular tits and will consider threesomes, cut this one off. You two have as much in common as a ninja and a baker.
Pre-proposal Q's
You can't imagine living without her. But before getting down on bonded knee, here are five major points to cover to ensure your marriage/long-term relationship doesn't turn into a UFC match in which you're the one wanting to tap out.
Where do you want to live?
Her answer:
a You agree on the number of bathrooms, square footage, and ceiling fans--a roommate made in heaven.
b She needs to paint the living room "seafoam," but you get a work space.
c Whatever you suggest exasperates her, yet her plans include renovating every weekend until 2010.
What it tells you: Does she have dreams of a log cabin in the woods or do phrases like "luxury high-rise" and "24-hour concierge service" spring from her lips? You'd be surprised hew many couples have broken up because they never bothered to ask each other what their ideal love shack mist be.
Do we merge our assets and how much do we save for retirement?
Her answer:
a She loves the idea of a prenup, her dad wants to pay for the wedding, and she graduated from college with a degree in accounting-lucky you!
b You two agree on savings, joint expenses, and long-term investments. You scrap over vacations and your sneaker collection but nothing sedans.
c She's always overdrawn, has maxed out all her cards--and yours--and is always asking you to spot her 20 bucks (or vice versa).
What it tells you: The No. 1 reason for marital friction is money, so you must sit down and determine your preferred financial strategy--together. According to April Beyer, a Los Angeles-based relationship expert, "You need to be on the same page regarding financial properties. Speak up and express your fears clearly. You need to clear the decks prior to popping the question."
Do you want kids?
Her answer:
a You want a healthy munchkin or two. So does she.
b You want a bey and a girl, in that order. She wants a girl and a hey, in that order.
c She wants a "home full of laughing children" right now, and the last thing you're looking for is a "houseful of screaming, snotty-nosed brats" (or vice versa).
What it tells you: Don't assume because she's a woman that she can't wait to become "Mommy." Or maybe you already have one rug rat from a previous relationship and don't want another, while her biological clock is ticking away. Maybe she wants to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt from Cambodia, and you need to check a world atlas to be sure just where Cambodia is. Either way, make sure you're in sync in this critical area. "Don't think that if a woman says she wants at least four children you can probably get her down to one," warns Ablow. "Ultimately, it will wear at the marrow of the relationship. You might be able to convince her, but eventually you'll be sleeping with the enemy." When you're pregnant, do you expect to work?
Her answer:
a She's got maternity leave and her career all mapped out, and you agree.
b It's a little fuzzy right new, but you've saved and have babysitting credit with your families, and you're going to see how it goes.
c You say "back to work in six months," she says "net until kindergarten," and no one is budging.
What are we going to do with our aging parents?
Her answer:
a She loves your parents, you love hers, and there is tons of room in your house. Or you both love the nice nursing home down the block.
b She bristles when you say "home health aide" but agrees that there are good people out there and that it will take time and effort to adjust.
c She starts crying and slams the door as soon as the topic comes up.
What it tells you: Not something you like to think about, but older parents can mean a lot of caretaking, time, money, and heartbreak. Do you both agree that they should come live with you? Fine. Does she say "nursing home" and you say "home health aide"? "Look far honesty. Rather than someone who says, 'I'd sell everything in order to take care of my parents,' I think you want somebody who says, 'This is my general sense, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it,'" advises Ablow. Gauging her openness to having a dialogue is what really counts here.
NOW TALLY YOUR SCORE
a = 5 points, b = 3 points, c = 1 point
If your points total:
19-25 Your ducks are lined up. Go for it.
10-18 You need a few sit-downs, maybe with a professional, so you can come to terms with some things that are really important. Stall a little until this gets done.
0-10 Hmm, on second thought, maybe she's not the girl for you. Run for the hills!
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1608/is_9_23/ai_n21053652/pg_3/?tag=content;col1
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How to Make Love Last in Long-Term Relationships
4 Ways to Build a Successful Marriage, From Psychological Research
Jan 13, 2010 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Psychology reveals specific ways to make love last in long-term relationships. Use these four tips to build a long, loving marriage; put psychological research to work!
Contrary to popular belief and divorce statistics, love can last for a long time! A recent psychological study revealed that there is such as thing as “happily ever after.” Here’s a brief summary of those research findings, plus four ways to make love last for the long-term.
Science Shows That Romance Can Last in Long-Term Marriages
"Many people believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love," said psychology researcher Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, then at Stony Brook University (currently at University of California, Santa Barbara). "It isn't. Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component. Passionate or obsessive love includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. This kind of love helps drive the shorter relationships but not the longer ones."
Acevedo and her peers looked at 17 short-term relationship studies, which included 18- to 23-year-old college students who were single, dating or married, with the average relationship lasting less than four years. They also looked at 10 long-term relationship studies comprising middle-aged couples who were typically married 10 years or more.
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They found that long-term love can progress into a healthy, companionship/friendship type of love, which will last for the long term. This type of romantic love in marriage can extend for a lifetime of "happily ever after"!
How do married couples make love last? Here are four tips for the long haul.
Be “There” for Your Partner
This research shows that husbands and wives who feel supported in their marriages are happier. On the other hand, "feelings of insecurity are generally associated with lower satisfaction, and in some cases may spark conflict in the relationship,” says Acevedo. “This can manifest into obsessive love." To build a successful marriage, both spouses need to be there for each other.
Remember the Stages of Love
Long-term romantic relationships go through distinct stages of love – and the passionate love at the beginning can’t be sustained throughout the whole marriage!
Read on
* How Children Affect Marital Happiness
* Why Do People Have Sex? Reasons for Sexual Love
* Psychology Articles About Love, Sex, and Romance
If partners are aware of the “highs and lows” in love, the happier they’ll be for the long-term (because they won’t have unrealistic expectations for romance or passion).
Let Go of the Little Things in a Relationship
The trivialities of daily life can undermine a loving relationship. Instead of getting caught up in details that are likely petty and unimportant, focus on the big picture.
For instance, be grateful that the bathroom is being cleaned (instead of fretting that it wasn’t cleaned with a particular cleanser).
Maintain a Strong Friendship in Marriage
To build romantic love, take time and energy to be friends with your husband or wife. Learn new things together, such as how to make sushi or how to geocache. Take an adventure vacation together. Read books together, about companion love and building a happy marriage. Make it a habit to please and give your partner what he or she needs as much as possible.
"Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings," Acevedo said. "And couples who've been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion."
Related Reading on Romantic Relationships
Learn the Best Way to Say "I Love You" -- it will keep your love strong!
If married partners tend to flirt, then Is Flirting Cheating on Your Partner? might be a worthwhile read. Flirtatious behavior doesn’t necessarily mean love won’t last!
How Children Affect Marital Happiness not only describes how parenting affects long-term love, it offers three ways to improve a marriage or long-term relationship.
Source of the Research Findings:
Review of General Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association (March, 2009).
Read more at Suite101: How to Make Love Last in Long-Term Relationships: 4 Ways to Build a Successful Marriage, From Psychological Research http://www.suite101.com/content/how-to-make-love-last-in-longterm-relationships-a189131#ixzz1Hyqk61tL
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==
3 Types Of Sex For Long-Term Love | YourTango
Sex releases the hormones that make us feel good (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women). Now, we all know that sex is almost always on a man's mind and he generally is "in the mood" anytime, anywhere, any way. But for a woman to build her desire and fully enjoy the sexual experience, she first needs to feel special and cherished by her partner. She yearns to be wanted and responds best when a man pursues her with devout intensity (regardless of the relationship stage or length).
This is based on the fact that
In the beginning of our relationships, it's so easy to connect on a romantic and sexual level as the hormones flow freely and plentiful. Think back to those magical days (and nights!) of great sex…
MEN: Did you call her randomly and often, bring her flowers "just because," show interest and respect for her ideas, have long conversations where you actively listened to her talk? Did you ask her lots of questions to find out what she liked and then plan fun date nights based on your common interests? Did you send her sexy emails or texts extolling the virtues of her breasts, her perfect bottom, the seductive effect of her perfume? Did you look deeply into her eyes, lightly touch her face and hair, pull her close to kiss her slowly and deliciously while your hands gently and firmly explored every inch of her lovely body? Did you take bubble baths together? Did you cook your famous spaghetti (in just an apron), and serve it to her with real silverware, candlelight and Chris Botti playing softly in the background? How To Be Romantic
WOMEN: Did you perfectly maintain your nails, hair, makeup and maybe even wax? Did you choose scents and outfits designed to turn him on, including silky, slinky underthings and lingerie? Did you share your hopes, goals and fantasies with him, admire his expertise and trust his judgment? Did you daydream about his lips on your nipples, and imagine what it would be like to wake up next to him every morning and the beautiful children you might make together? Did your eyes sparkle and your stomach flutter whenever he walked into the room? Were you thrilled by his efforts to please you and did you smile, flirt and thank him for every little thing to show him how happy you were?
As couples settle in together and the hectic daily schedules take precedence, our priorities slowly shift. We don't indulge in as much quality time together or strive to meet each other's needs, yet this is the precursor to great sex. What happens, instead, is that men tend to forget their feelings and women tend to forget their sexual desire. However, when mates prioritize time to remember their love and return the focus to romance and sex, a relationship can begin to improve immediately.
Sometimes when tension is brewing in a relationship, one partner will want to stop having sex. But, actually, the best thing a couple can do is focus on creating better sex, because when the sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship can improve.
Just as our palettes crave a variety of meals to keep our bodies functioning well, we also need to incorporate variety into our intimate relationships. Here are some ways to keep the passion burning:
Healthy Home-Cooked Sex—This style is the basis for a regular, healthy sex life, and usually occurs a couple times a week. It generally takes about 30 minutes and the Martian ensures that his Venusian has the time she needs to relax, build up her desire and experience orgasm(s). 10 Surprising Orgasm Facts
Fast Food Sex and Cuddles—Although junk food would not be good for us as a regular diet, it can be tasty and sometimes it fits well into the schedule. The same is true for quickies. This 3-5 minutes given whenever he feels the need for sexual release and she's not in the mood, is a great gift that a woman can bestow on her partner and will go a long way to ensuring he continues to feel his love for her.
Set some ground rules first, like not expecting her to participate much during quickies, having healthy home-cooked sex on a regular basis as often as she likes, plus gourmet sex once a month. Also, he will want to reciprocate for quickies by giving her the cuddling she needs regularly to feel loved. This technique can work very well so that never again will he feel rejected, and she will always be able to count on him for affection.
Gourmet Sex—Indulge in this style of sex at least once a month. A woman needs to be wined, dined and romanced, just like in the early days (and nights) of the relationship. No excuses—put it on the schedule! Remember the old adage "If mama ain't happy, then nobody’s happy!" Of course, a romantic getaway is wonderful, but if money is tight, then send the kids to Grandma's or trade babysitting evenings with the neighbors.
The key to passionate monogamy is remembering and acting like we did in the beginning of the relationship. When the man takes action to be romantic and the woman responds with appreciation, our bodies release the hormones that drive our sexual feelings.
To really make this advice work, you need to follow these action steps to complete today's challenge.
Right now, I want you to:
If you are a woman reading this, ask him to plan a date. You can even send him the link to this article. After all, men love a challenge! If you are a man reading this, plan a date. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. Make her feel special as you would have in the beginning of your relationship. Go to that restaurant from your first date, plan a picnic on a scenic walk or take her to a concert.
Within 7 days I want you to:
Write a steamy, love note to your partner. Describe your sexual feelings when you are aroused. Place yourself in a romantic setting with your partner and describe what you want to do. This helps build anticipation. Save your letter for your date night.
By the end of the challenge I want you to:
Go on that special date. Men, tell her how beautiful she looks, how important she is to you and how you have plans for her at home. Women, tell him how much you appreciate him, how he makes you so happy and how excited you are to go home with him. At the end of your date, read your love letters to each other. The romantic gestures plus the steamy letters guarantee those physical feelings will build to lead you both back to the ecstasy of great sex.
Article contributed by
Dr. John GrayView profile
Advanced Member
Dr. John Gray
Dating Coach, Life Coach, Marriage Educator, Psychologist, Relationship Coach, Sex Coach, OrganizationJohn is the leading relationship expert in the world and most selling relationship author of all time.
Location: Mill Valley
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Dr. John Gray:
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Many arguments between couples stem from simple misunderstandings based on different communication styles. For example, women often want to vent, and a man will often misinterpret this by thinking he's meant to find a solution. Likewise, women sometimes misinterpret what it means when a man says nothing at all. Often, men need to work through a problem in ... Read more
Mars Venus Q&A: Brother's Keeper
By Dr. John Gray
Dear John, My brother, who is 28, is dating a woman that some in our family do not like, particularly our mother. He plans on marrying her. Our mother is having the hardest time with this. He regards our mama's opinion, and she is not going to budge. I feel strongly that it is our duty, as a family, to support his happiness and to be open minded. We all love ... Read more
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men and women experience attraction differently: men feel physical attraction first, then the emotional and mental connection follow; women need to feel connected mentally and emotionally before they are ready for a physical encounter. This is why "Romance is from Venus and Sex is from Mars."==
Secret of long-term love
July 1 2003
...
Both sexes are more likely to be drawn to individuals who not only look like them, but have equivalent wealth and status and share the same attitudes towards family commitment and fidelity.
Marriages between such similar people stand the best chance of success, say researchers at Cornell University in New York.
Too many differences between partners caused instability. If one partner was much better looking or had higher social status than the other, he or she could be tempted to "trade up" and find a better quality mate.
Relationships between matching couples were less in danger of breaking apart, thus providing a stable environment for bringing up offspring, said the scientists.
...
The attributes were grouped into four "evolutionarily relevant" categories - wealth and status, family commitment, physical appearance, and sexual fidelity.
Both men and women who rated themselves highly were significantly more selective when it came to choosing a mate.
For both sexes, individuals who rated certain attributes as important in a partner also rated the same attributes highly in themselves.
This was at odds with the alternative "potentials attract" hypothesis based on the need to produce healthy offspring and give them the best care.
Under the rules of "potentials attract" women seek family-minded men with high wealth and status, while men look for signs of youthfulness, health and physical attractiveness in a partner.
According to the theory, women who see themselves as very physically attractive are likely to prefer the most socially dominant men. Conversely, men who are highly confidant about their social and economic status are likely to seek the most attractive women.
But the new research indicates that in reality, finding a matching partner is more important for both sexes.
...The scientists said the findings may help explain why "homogamous" marriages between partners sharing similar attributes were more common and successful than marriages between non-matching individuals.
They added: "From the public's perspective, our results suggest that individuals seeking stable long-term relationships should not seek the highest quality partner available, but should simply look for partners who are similar to themselves."
==
Is she the one
Who wants to spend date after date forging a relationship only to realize later that she a) expects her mother to move in with you; b) wants to call your future children Apple, Seven, and Wolf; or c) listens only to Romanian rock? So, to help you determine whether she's really the girl you want to bring home to Mama, ask her the following questions, score the results, and get our expert take on your love life.
[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]
"What's the longest relationship you've had?"
Her answer:
a She's had at least one long-termer and a sprinkling of short dead-end relationships.
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b She's had serious long-term boyfriend after serious long-term boyfriend.
c The last real relationship she had was during the Clinton administration--and it lasted a weekend.
What it tells you: "Asking about past patterns of behavior will give you a pretty good guide to the way people are likely to behave in the future," says Keith Ablow, M.D., author of Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty. Finding out that none of her prior relationships lasted more than a couple of months will tell you whether she is someone who "fears longer commitments, or if she expects too much and can't cope with being disappointed so she bails at the first sign of trouble." If so, check your calendar: Your days may be numbered.
"What's your take on religion?"
Her answer:
a You believe in Jesus, she believes in Jesus. Hallelujah!
b Although you may pray to different deities, your basic values are the same.
c The two of you are on such different spiritual planes, it's best not to discuss at all.
What it tells you: Trust us, you want to know whether Sunday mornings are going to be spent in a church, synagogue, or mosque-or nursing a hangover. Equally important: Does she party or is she saving herself for marriage? Whatever her faith, she's expecting you to join her eventually--so make sure the Buddha/Vishnu/Mother Earth/Jesus/Virgin Mary/Allah she prays to sounds good to you. "A person's religious beliefs strongly influence how she will relate to you," warns Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., author of What Men Still Don't Know About Women, Relationships, and Love. "It's important when it comes to religion to be with someone you are really compatible with."
"Are you a cat or a dog person?"
Her answer:
a You hate cats, love dogs (or vice versa), and she's right there with you.
b She could go either way. She wouldn't call herself a dog person but could see having one.
c She can tolerate a hermit crab or sea monkeys but professes to be allergic to all pets and assumes you'll give yours away once you two get serious.
What it tells you: Is she a more-the-merrier kind of gal, or is she as threatened by Fido as she is by your single drinking buddies? Maybe you are the one who goes into anaphylactic shock every time a tabby cat crosses your path, and she wants nothing less than a litter of adorable kittens. Talk about pets--all of them--or she may wrongfully assume that the enormous aquarium you worked so hard on for your pet snake, Bartholomew, will stay in the garage.
"Do you consider yourself high- or low-maintenance?"
Her answer:
a She is the definition of low maintenance-never sweats you or uses guilt as a weapon with anyone around her.
b She needs to be reassured of your love once a month (or every 28 days) and hugged after tearjerker movies, but it's tolerable.
c She can't do anything by herself and pouts and whines when you can't pick her up and drive her to her appointments.
What it tells you: You'll find out if she's a girl who can chill with a beer and a Seinfeld re-run or one who shrieks and rushes to the salon every time she chips a nail. Follow the question up with "And how would your friends describe you?" While the first answer will fill you in on how she perceives herself, the second will give you the valuable information about her character. Even better, get phone numbers for a couple of her close friends and ask them yourself. If she's unwilling to give up the digits, you may have your answer right there.
"What do you like to do in your free time?"
Her answer:
a She loves traveling and going out dancing, and she's learning to paint-but she likes to try new things as well.
b She's a hardcore member of the dog show circuit and reads 20 books a month.
c It depends on what you like to do. Her weekends are free for the next year.
What it tells you: What she does in her downtime speaks volumes about her personality. Does she spend weekends going to antique-dollhouse conventions or is she up for rock-climbing with you? "What's important is how she describes herself and what she likes to do when she's by herself," says Goldberg. "The best way to get to know her is to find out what kind of activities she's involved with on her own." Whatever her hobby--monster trucks or Japanese pottery--she's going to expect you to be interested (or at least tag along).
ADD UP YOUR SCORE
a = 5 points, b = 3 points, c = 1 point If you score:
19-25 This is a once-in-a-lifetime girl. Give her up and you may end up hating yourself forever.
10-18 She's got potential. There's some compromising to do, but nothing that can't be worked out.
0-10 Unless she has spectacular tits and will consider threesomes, cut this one off. You two have as much in common as a ninja and a baker.
Pre-proposal Q's
You can't imagine living without her. But before getting down on bonded knee, here are five major points to cover to ensure your marriage/long-term relationship doesn't turn into a UFC match in which you're the one wanting to tap out.
Where do you want to live?
Her answer:
a You agree on the number of bathrooms, square footage, and ceiling fans--a roommate made in heaven.
b She needs to paint the living room "seafoam," but you get a work space.
c Whatever you suggest exasperates her, yet her plans include renovating every weekend until 2010.
What it tells you: Does she have dreams of a log cabin in the woods or do phrases like "luxury high-rise" and "24-hour concierge service" spring from her lips? You'd be surprised hew many couples have broken up because they never bothered to ask each other what their ideal love shack mist be.
Do we merge our assets and how much do we save for retirement?
Her answer:
a She loves the idea of a prenup, her dad wants to pay for the wedding, and she graduated from college with a degree in accounting-lucky you!
b You two agree on savings, joint expenses, and long-term investments. You scrap over vacations and your sneaker collection but nothing sedans.
c She's always overdrawn, has maxed out all her cards--and yours--and is always asking you to spot her 20 bucks (or vice versa).
What it tells you: The No. 1 reason for marital friction is money, so you must sit down and determine your preferred financial strategy--together. According to April Beyer, a Los Angeles-based relationship expert, "You need to be on the same page regarding financial properties. Speak up and express your fears clearly. You need to clear the decks prior to popping the question."
Do you want kids?
Her answer:
a You want a healthy munchkin or two. So does she.
b You want a bey and a girl, in that order. She wants a girl and a hey, in that order.
c She wants a "home full of laughing children" right now, and the last thing you're looking for is a "houseful of screaming, snotty-nosed brats" (or vice versa).
What it tells you: Don't assume because she's a woman that she can't wait to become "Mommy." Or maybe you already have one rug rat from a previous relationship and don't want another, while her biological clock is ticking away. Maybe she wants to be like Angelina Jolie and adopt from Cambodia, and you need to check a world atlas to be sure just where Cambodia is. Either way, make sure you're in sync in this critical area. "Don't think that if a woman says she wants at least four children you can probably get her down to one," warns Ablow. "Ultimately, it will wear at the marrow of the relationship. You might be able to convince her, but eventually you'll be sleeping with the enemy." When you're pregnant, do you expect to work?
Her answer:
a She's got maternity leave and her career all mapped out, and you agree.
b It's a little fuzzy right new, but you've saved and have babysitting credit with your families, and you're going to see how it goes.
c You say "back to work in six months," she says "net until kindergarten," and no one is budging.
What are we going to do with our aging parents?
Her answer:
a She loves your parents, you love hers, and there is tons of room in your house. Or you both love the nice nursing home down the block.
b She bristles when you say "home health aide" but agrees that there are good people out there and that it will take time and effort to adjust.
c She starts crying and slams the door as soon as the topic comes up.
What it tells you: Not something you like to think about, but older parents can mean a lot of caretaking, time, money, and heartbreak. Do you both agree that they should come live with you? Fine. Does she say "nursing home" and you say "home health aide"? "Look far honesty. Rather than someone who says, 'I'd sell everything in order to take care of my parents,' I think you want somebody who says, 'This is my general sense, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it,'" advises Ablow. Gauging her openness to having a dialogue is what really counts here.
NOW TALLY YOUR SCORE
a = 5 points, b = 3 points, c = 1 point
If your points total:
19-25 Your ducks are lined up. Go for it.
10-18 You need a few sit-downs, maybe with a professional, so you can come to terms with some things that are really important. Stall a little until this gets done.
0-10 Hmm, on second thought, maybe she's not the girl for you. Run for the hills!
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1608/is_9_23/ai_n21053652/pg_3/?tag=content;col1
===
How to Make Love Last in Long-Term Relationships
4 Ways to Build a Successful Marriage, From Psychological Research
Jan 13, 2010 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Psychology reveals specific ways to make love last in long-term relationships. Use these four tips to build a long, loving marriage; put psychological research to work!
Contrary to popular belief and divorce statistics, love can last for a long time! A recent psychological study revealed that there is such as thing as “happily ever after.” Here’s a brief summary of those research findings, plus four ways to make love last for the long-term.
Science Shows That Romance Can Last in Long-Term Marriages
"Many people believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love," said psychology researcher Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD, then at Stony Brook University (currently at University of California, Santa Barbara). "It isn't. Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component. Passionate or obsessive love includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. This kind of love helps drive the shorter relationships but not the longer ones."
Acevedo and her peers looked at 17 short-term relationship studies, which included 18- to 23-year-old college students who were single, dating or married, with the average relationship lasting less than four years. They also looked at 10 long-term relationship studies comprising middle-aged couples who were typically married 10 years or more.
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They found that long-term love can progress into a healthy, companionship/friendship type of love, which will last for the long term. This type of romantic love in marriage can extend for a lifetime of "happily ever after"!
How do married couples make love last? Here are four tips for the long haul.
Be “There” for Your Partner
This research shows that husbands and wives who feel supported in their marriages are happier. On the other hand, "feelings of insecurity are generally associated with lower satisfaction, and in some cases may spark conflict in the relationship,” says Acevedo. “This can manifest into obsessive love." To build a successful marriage, both spouses need to be there for each other.
Remember the Stages of Love
Long-term romantic relationships go through distinct stages of love – and the passionate love at the beginning can’t be sustained throughout the whole marriage!
Read on
* How Children Affect Marital Happiness
* Why Do People Have Sex? Reasons for Sexual Love
* Psychology Articles About Love, Sex, and Romance
If partners are aware of the “highs and lows” in love, the happier they’ll be for the long-term (because they won’t have unrealistic expectations for romance or passion).
Let Go of the Little Things in a Relationship
The trivialities of daily life can undermine a loving relationship. Instead of getting caught up in details that are likely petty and unimportant, focus on the big picture.
For instance, be grateful that the bathroom is being cleaned (instead of fretting that it wasn’t cleaned with a particular cleanser).
Maintain a Strong Friendship in Marriage
To build romantic love, take time and energy to be friends with your husband or wife. Learn new things together, such as how to make sushi or how to geocache. Take an adventure vacation together. Read books together, about companion love and building a happy marriage. Make it a habit to please and give your partner what he or she needs as much as possible.
"Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings," Acevedo said. "And couples who've been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion."
Related Reading on Romantic Relationships
Learn the Best Way to Say "I Love You" -- it will keep your love strong!
If married partners tend to flirt, then Is Flirting Cheating on Your Partner? might be a worthwhile read. Flirtatious behavior doesn’t necessarily mean love won’t last!
How Children Affect Marital Happiness not only describes how parenting affects long-term love, it offers three ways to improve a marriage or long-term relationship.
Source of the Research Findings:
Review of General Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association (March, 2009).
Read more at Suite101: How to Make Love Last in Long-Term Relationships: 4 Ways to Build a Successful Marriage, From Psychological Research http://www.suite101.com/content/how-to-make-love-last-in-longterm-relationships-a189131#ixzz1Hyqk61tL
6 (and a half) Secrets of Love
ReplyDeletehttp://www.snagfilms.com/films/watch/6_and_a_half_secrets_of_love/?utm_source=snagfilms.com&utm_medium=referral
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love secrets - Căutare Google - >20 de min
http://www.google.ro/search?q=love+secrets&hl=ro&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=717&bih=328&tbm=vid&prmd=ivns&source=lnt&tbs=dur:l&sa=X&ei=lW6lTfmOL8GDOoSPxIQK&ved=0CA0QpwUoAw
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6 (and a half) Secrets of Love
39 min - 30 Iul 2009
Two iconic therapists John Gray and Pat Allen are gathered for an unprecedented sharing of the best of their wisdom.
snagfilms.com
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Secrets of the Sexes——Love 两性奥秘爱03
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Secrets of the Sexes——Love 两性奥秘03
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Secrets of the Sexes (part 3: Love)
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Secrets of the Sexes (part 3: Love)
video.google.com
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The Secrets of a Lasting Love
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Learning that LOVE is the greatest lesson in life.
ustream.tv
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Secrets of Lasting Love
21 min - 12 Apr 2009
POSTED April 12, 2009 Pastor David Hewitt of King of Glory, Carmel, IN
connect.tangle.com
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NOW on PBS | Food, Inc.
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Behind the food we love - Secrets that giant food companies don't want you to know. ... Inc. NOW on PBS PBS Video Agriculture ...
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